“Look at me, Jamie! Look at me and tell me that you’re willing to walk away from everything we have and I’ll be gone. I’m not ready to give up on us but if you are, then just say the words and I’ll stop trying.”
“Hope, stop it!”
“Stop what? Stop trying? Stop trying to have the man that I love more than anything in this world love me back? Stop trying to make myself feel worthy of your love again? What do you want me to stop Jamie?”
“What do you want me to say Hope? That everything’s going to be okay? That things are going to be the way they used to between us because I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. Or do you want me to take you upstairs and fuck you like a stranger, the same way I’ve been for the past eight months?”
“I don’t know what I want any more Jamie. I miss my husband. The man that I could tell anything to. The one that I used to laugh and cry with. The one who would hold me in his arms and comfort me whenever I was feeling down.”
“He’s gone Hope. He drowned in that ocean the same day that Charlie did.”
I bit my lip and fought the tears. “So what are you trying to tell me that I’m just keeping myself afloat in this marriage only to have you never resurface?”
His eyes filled with tears. “I wish that I could answer that question for you but I can’t. Because the truth is, I don’t even know the answer to it myself.”
I grabbed a napkin from the counter and wiped my eyes. I tried to catch my breath between my sobs and gain enough composure to speak coherently. “I’m sorry for taking my eyes off him for that split second that day. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I loved him too and I’m hurting just as much as you. And if it makes you feel a little better by punishing me for it this way, then I’m willing to subject myself to it, because I still love you so much that it hurts.”
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